Back in 2021, I bought and began to read Awaken My Heart :52 Weeeks of Giving Thanks and Loving Abundantly by Emily Wilson Hussem (this will be referred to as Awaken My Heart throughout the post ond series) , but things fell off track around the summer or fall (not really sure?). But as on December 24. 2024, Pope Francis opened the Holy Door of the Basilica of Saint Peter to inaugurate the Jubilee Year 2025 which he has themed "Pilgrims of Hope". Knowing that this a holy year for the Catholic Church, I wanted to do something special. I have always wanted to complete fully this devotional. I will not compare my experiences of this devotional, but taking this time around for what it is a trodding of an abandoned road or neglected road that for some reason now is the time for me to finish the road, but first I must not start near the middle or the end of the journey (not that I remember at all where I left off as it's been four years since I first tried this devotional), but from the beginning. In a way, it is the New Beginning of 2024, which was so new in my 2024 reflection post that I didn't even consider it a possibility to mention, that feels defining of what this next chapter of my life will be in all ways, as I have entered into my next quarter of my life in 2024 and will enter second half of my twenties this year. One caveat this devotional is for women so all the pronouns will be feminine, so to any man who might read this that is why you won't see many hes and hims. So let's enter into the depths of the first 6 weeks of (re)awakening my heart.
Week 1: Receive His Peace
Each week of this devotional has a theme,, perhaps not surprising. Week one's theme centers around peace. Meditating on the peace sets the tone for the rest of the devotional for in a hectic world it seems peace evades many. Yet. if a moment is taken to consider what peace then one may discover how the world defines peace is diametrically opposed to any sort of commotion, if there is high level of busyness or chaos, then peace cannot be felt. However, this type of peace is often temporary, not lasting. But God's peace can remain no matter the situation. Wilson Hussem offers a short reflection on this topic in the middle of it sets about a couple two rhetorical questions and the answer to those questions. Those two questions are: "How does this happen? How can find peace even when nothing is going right?" and the answer she provides is "By turning our gaze and our hearts to him who is Peace, and uttering the simplest of prayers: Jesus, be my peace".
What a powerful prayer this could be. I know sometimes when it seems like life is mostly suffering it can be hard to find peace because I want it to end, and everything to be "fine". If I allow Jesus, to give me peace despite the fact that nothing seems easy, nor simple, nor calm then those situations won't necessarily control me. It's somewhat ironic that I used the word "easy" in the last sentence because nothing about allowing Jesus to be my peace is easy, because it, on the surface, feels like a lack of agency to not control my peace, but in reality true lasting peace only comes from Jesus.
After her reflection she offers reflection questions one what one has just read. For the first week there is two. I will briefly address this question. This question is posed in light of Philippians 4:7 and asks "Has there been a time in your life when you fellt unexplainable peace even in the midst of a great struggle? (and to) reflect on this time and let it teach you about the peace Christ always wants to give you" (4). I chose the experience of transferring colleges in 2021 (read more on this here). Was there certainly certain tensions in transferring? Yes. But overall it was peaceful. Even finding out that I would be living in a Super 8 (or rather a slowly transitioning Super 8) was peaceful, albeit confusing.
Peace doesn't depend on the messiness of your current moment; it's about finding yourself in the heard of God to say, no matter what is happening in my life today, God is my refuge
Each week Wilson Hussem offers a prayer to encapsulate the week. Week One's prayer goes like this:
"Jesus, you are the Prince of Peace. Thank you for providing the peace that only you can give in every circumstance of my life. Thank you for being my refuge in the chaos of life, in the uncertainties of my journey, and on my brightest days. Help me to rest, always, in the serenity of you heart and your presence. Jesus, be my peace for the rest of my days. Amen."
This is such a beautiful prayer. As someone who deals with high levels of anxiety, it reminds me that Jesus is truly a refuge when it feels like everything is gong completely wrong, in an earthly sense. It also tells me that I need to open to his peace. When I cry out, I have to let go, which is hard, and I'm definitely still learning how to let go. But the more the Lord pursues, the more I can sometimes hide, but he's patient with me, more patient with me than I am, always, and when I cooperate with the grace of his peace and accept it as a gift, then even when I have to balance schedules that seem impossible to reconcile, somehow everything works out. These experiences of peace act as a way to draw myself into deeper relationship with him, a call for me to seek him evermore sincerely, ever more humbly.
Week 2: Seek Him
Wilson Hussem centers the second week of this devotional on seeking Jesus/God and our intentions behind dong so. She encourages meditation on the second half of the parable of the prodigal son, with the second brother primarily. I will admit I oofed and forgot to meditated on this scripture throughout the week. In her short reflection for this week, she highlights that "Both sons wanted what the father could give more than they wanted the father". While it's easy to relate in a way to see the similarity between oneself and the younger son, desiring heaven, in the now, to want tis perfection and then squandering its beauty through sin, it sometimes may be more difficult to admit likeness to the elder brother. But to the truth, I probably fall into the camp of the elder son, many times, I seek God, not purely for himself, but for a reward for the faithfulness, to prayer, daily mass, or any other practice. Ironically, though because I know I shouldn't do these practices out of mere obligation as if following 'the rules', "being faithful" will somehow earn me God's love, is the wrong perspective and intention to take when doing them, so I have a timidity in stepping out to do them, an almost imposter syndrome, that someone will realize I'm not dong these acts out of love and thus a hypocritical in the end. But in these actions I seek the Lord, the deepest desire of my heart, so how can I strive to them for the pure love of God, not for what he can give me from them? That is a question I'm still trying to figure out; I let you know when I do, maybe. But for now let's take a look at one of reflection questions for this week.
The first reflection question for the week has multiple parts. It goes like thisL "Have you ever tried to draw close to God in hopes that he would give you a desire of your heart? What was that desire? Did it become an idol in your life, or is it currently an idol in your life? Pray with the Lord about this desire, asking him to help you surrender it to him". The desire I reflected on was the desire to have deep fulfilling friendship which don't require me to hop on a plane to see these people in person. Part of me wants to go on the "hunt" for friends. But this is not the right intention to go find friends, for this is valuing any person in front of me for their benefit to me not for the gift that he or she is in my life, a gift I am called to receive with joy and in love. I may desire virtuous friendship, but the goal of such a friendship is Heaven not the friendship itself, and over the last almost two years after leaving the Catholic bubble of Franciscan where striving for virtue was the norm and it was easy to find virtuous friendships, I have found myself wanting to seek out friendship to fill up my loneliness (this goes for romantic relationships as well), instead of running after God first, and letting him help me discover those he wants to help me reach heaven.
When we look at the parable of the prodigal son, we must pause to ask ourselves Am I seeking a Person or a prize?
The prayer this week goes like this:
"Jesus, I want to seek you above all else. Help me to relinquish my desire for reward, recognition, or a prize fro my faithfulness. Grant me a desire to know you more, to love you more, to run toward you with open arms----not looking over my shoulder , but looking only at you, my greatest love Thank you for all that you are. You are more than enough for me. Awaken my heart to a greater desire for you. Amen'"
The line in this prayer that speaks to me most is the third line. The end especially reminds me that in truth God is or most definitely should be my "greatest love". It also reminds me of a moment on the one of the last nights of SEEK 2019 when there was a chance to attend a concert and/or a dance. At one point during the dance, when I was on my own, I felt so disappointed because no one, especially now male was asking me to join in the dancing, and I was quite frankly a bit afraid to approach any of these groups of strangers and join in their merriment. So I ended up dancing on my own, and dancing with Jesus. Though it was hard to do this as Jesus is not a corporal reality (at least in hat moment), but I kept having this feeling every time I attempted to look at others, he gently called me back to look at him even if I was technically "imagining" him there. A few days or weeks later I wrote a song about it coincidentally titled "Dance With Jesus". In the song the second verse ends with these lines "I have never felt this before/ It's scary, but I've never wanted anything more". In these lines, I see a desire to seek him and desire to only look at "my greatest love"; yet, this as I said at the beginning of this section is difficult for me in a way Jesus' love is scary for someone who from any early age learned, maybe not at home, but certainly through peers that love was conditional and easily lost, so unconditional love, which is the gift Jesus extends to each person seems mysterious, completely fantastical, yet alluring for it is the balm to the ache that people pleasing seeks to fill, but never truly does. It is the ultimate reward in a way, but can't be sought as such, for then it is conditional and fails to heal the wound of feeling like your imperfections, perceived failures define you. Regardless, of what some of my early years taught me, I must dig deep and allow the Lord in to turn a closed heart, a stone heart, into one open and alive with his love.
Week 3: Let Him Soften Your Heart
This week focused very much on loving one's enemies. Wilson Hussem defines an enemy in a very simple way she says, "I consider enemies to be the people who have hurt me badly, the people who make fun of my faith, the who try purposefully to make my life miserable" (10). In some ways these, three groups are the same, but at the same time, they are also separate. The irony is not matter how many nice, kind, loving people you have in your life, it seems the ones who hurt you stick with you in a deeper way. Yet, it is so easy to let resentment creep in, and yes, sometimes there is a chance to forgive the person (now no obligation to forgive unless an apology is extended), but not always. Yet, she encourages something more, prayer for those who have hurt us. She gives an example of this from her life, in which she began to pray for someone whom she had had a falling out with. While she did have trouble at first, over time though it got easier. So she gives the reader two suggestions to try during this particular week of the devotional:
Let Him Soften Your Heart Suggestions
Write down all your feelings about a situation in which someone hurt you, and conclude with prayer for this person
Ask God to give you the strength and grace to pray for the person who hurt you, or to teach you how to live Luke 6:27-28 in your life
These suggestion, or at least the first one, really encapsulate my week. Yet, while it did guide my week, I still interacted with the reflection questions: The one I will highlight though is 2 which states: "Have your ever prayed for someone who hurt you deeply? If yes, what kind of freedom or consolation did you find in doing so?" (12). I ended up focusing on a relationship with a co-worker which I struggled with in 2024. I spent months praying for this person. I believe it helped me in situation when discussing this co-worker. Though the prayer didn't necessarily make the situation go away, or even in some way make it better, I was slowly able to begin to realize this person was made in the image and likeness of God, and realize this person had struggles I may or may not know about, though it didn't excuse the behaviors toward me, it allows me to be open to forgiveness of this person and to have compassion for the hardships and trails this person faces in life. Now, time to reflect on the prayer which was given to the reader for this week.
But that step beyond forgiveness into love, into prayer, into blessing those people, is an act of Mercy
For this week the prayer goes like this:
Jesus, it is not easy to follow your command to love my enemies, to do good to those who have hurt me deeply. I cannot do it on my own! Grant me the grace to take teh first small step of calling ot mind those you want me to pray for, and to lift them up to you. Help me to let go of any resentment and grudges I am consciously or unconsciously holding on to, so that, ultimately, I can find the peace you long for me to live in. This week I choose to love my enemies with courage-- help me to do just that. Amen" (12)
I want to call out a couple lines in this prayer. The first of these I want to highlight is is the second: "I cannot do this on my own!" (12). I know I often think my struggles or my following of Christ's commands is on me and me alone. I forget that much of his commands need me to rely on him to provide the strength to actually live as he asks. So, I cannot love my enemies on my own, cause human nature, and a desire for justice makes me want to resent them if "nothing" happen. The next line I want to focus on is the final line. It reads, "This week I choose to my enemies with courage" (12, emphasis mine), The word "choose" brings the meaning to this sentence; it shows that I want to follow Jesus that though this command to love our enemies is hard, I will take a leap of faith, and love them though I need help from him to do it sincerely. It shows my agency in my own sanctification and that sanctification isn't something that passively happens to me, but something that though it's ultimately God's work, I have a role in. Now part this sanctification is not just about loving my enemies, but not comparing my journey toward heaven and not becoming envious, jealous of other's blessings.
Week 4: Uproot Jealousy
Growing up one of the artists I listened to a lot was The Jonas Brothers, now though they do now perform together again, for at time they performed apart, the youngest, Nick, has a sone entitled "It my right to to be hellish/ I still get jealous". This song is about a man obsessed with a woman, but how often to I feel like it is right to act poorly because I don't have what someone else has. Wilson Hussem zeroes in on jealousy in week for of Awaken My Heart. She highlights in her reflection the influence of social media in the vice of jealousy. She acknowledges that sometimes constantly focusing on what others have, and often those things, that we want that another has "we look longingly, sometimes with envy, sometimes with bitterness, and we say, 'I want her life, Lord'" (14). This makes me realize how much this causes me to miss all the things God is doing in my life. If I can only focus on what God is giving other, I never really appreciate what blessings so graciously given to me by God. This is perhaps why it hit me so hard when near the end of her reflection, Wilson Hussem writes, "God's goodness does not depend on the circumstance of my life. And his goodness does not depend on what he gives to others but not to me. HIs goodness in the midst of it all" (15). I need to realize God is good despite that it can sometimes feel like my life is falling apart. So looking at others supposedly together lives, I think God is better to others than myself, even if that's not true. This leads into the reflection questions.
The two questions for this week are, unsurprisingly similar. The second question spoke deeply to me. Wilson Hussem: "What qualities and circumstances are you most envious of when you look around? How can you change your outlook to see the beauty before you and to give thanks God for everything he is doing in your life?" (17). I won't focus on every situation but one that is currently weighing on me heavily. Sometime in 2021 or 2022, I realized I had made an idol out of marriage and so asked the Lord to remove it. While this prayer was answered, but in a totally unexpected way; this unexpected answer ended up causing much suffering, and I'm still dealing with the fallout. However, it lead me to almost a year ago through a vocations director for a religious order to accept I am in a time of healing. This is hard to see it's connection to vocational discernment sometimes, I am trying to accept God's timing of my discovery or fully entrance to my vocation. It's hard to persevere, but again I'm trying and one thing that in no small way has helped is the prayer for this week.
We're not jealous of their actual lives--we're jealous of their highlight reel, because we see our own highlight and lowlight reel every single day.
This week's prayer goes like this:
"Jesus, I do not wish to live my life as a jealous person. I ask you, to root out the sin of jealously from my heart and my life. Remove the scales from my eyes so that I may seethe beauty of the life you have given me, the gifts you have bestowed upon me, and your heart's love for me. Help me to keep my have fixed forward, walking in faith a woman who celebrates and does not tear down, a woman always found singing the praises of God in gratitude and joy. Amen."
The third line of this prayer which states, "remove the scales from my eyes so that i may see the beauty of the life you have given me" (17). This reminds me of how Paul had the scales fall from his eyes during his conversion in Acts. In a way, each time I grow deeper in my relationship with Christ scales fall from my eyes to show me where my heart needs(-ed) conversion. It seems like jealousy is a vice that is rampant in the culture especially with the way consumerism drives so much of behavior, it seems, today. Refocusing on Christ's blessings, instead of consistently focusing on what God has not given me. One area though where it could be difficult to accept the gifts God has given me is in the area of my body.
Week 5: Pray the Litany of the Healing of Body Image
Wilson Hussem wrote a rather short reflection for this week perhaps because this was primarily focused on praying a litany which she herself wrote called The Litany of the Healing of Body Image. I will reflect on the last movement of this Litany. The last movement of this Litany goes like this:
For the eyes you gave me....Jesus, I praise you. For the hand you gave me....Jesus, I praise you. For the hips you gave me, I praise you. For the heart you gave me...Jesus, I praise you. For the bone structure you gave me,..Jesus, I praise you. For the chest you gave me....Jesus, I praises you. For the legs that you gave me....Jesus I praise you. For the nose you gave me....Jesus I praise you. For the hair you gave me....Jesus., I praise you. For the ways my body becomes more womanly overtime....Jesus, I praise you. For making me unique and unrepeatable in your image and likeness....Jesus, I praise you. Amen"" (25).
This piece of the Litany is surprisingly hard to pray. It really reveals where wounds may be because it I am struggling to praise God for something, then I probably don't like that part of me or have a wound from my past One in particular is the line about "for the eyes you gave me". From a young age, I have worn glasses and but was never technically self-conscious about it. Though words from a peer in elementary school changed that. I then became super self-conscious about wearing glasses. I ended up struggling through contacts (way too looooog) because of this one comment from a peer. So in a way this litany was healing or revealed where more healing may be needed. Now it's important to heal because it helps me become more childlike.
Week 6:: Become Childlike
Week 6 is coming to a close on Feb 3, 2024. This week focuses on be childlike in relationship with God. In the reflection, Wilson Hussem tells two stories of young children who brought the joy of life to where they were at. She wrote "This week is about noticing the spirit and joy of children and letting their example teach us" (29). Currently, I do not often have children in my direct vicinity. But whether it was from video over text, or through some small child in front of me at Mass, I did get to experience of the joy of children this week.
I further was allowed to reflect on the joy I had as child with a certain kind of firework. For most of my childhood my dad would lug up fireworks from Indiana to Michigan for the 4th of July. One of the kinds he would bring were bright enough that you could see your own shadow when they went off. I remember going crazy during these and it was a such a blast when he shoot them off. In many ways , life has slwoly sucked that joy away , but not totally, and I"m slowly trying to rediscover that joy. Now the prayer for the week.
The prayer this week goes like this:
"Jesus, I have lost so much of the joy and freedom I had when I was a little girl. Please awaken that joy in my heart and in my soul. Help me to obey your command to become like a little child so that my faith may increase tenfold. Help me to focus on the spirit and joy of the children in my life this week. May I learn from tehir example of exuberance and love for you.. Amen."
The line that really speaks to me is the second line. iI love who it ties in the title of the devotional. I also realize that sometimes what has been lost through the trials of life has to be recovered with the help of Christ. I like that it is highlighted that this awakening is to be done in the heart and the soul. How important!! This awakening comes in many forms and happens slowly, but it becomes a lesson in patience. So, with that this is the end of these weeks. Come Back on April 7th for the next set of reawakening of my heat.
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