Well, today is the final day of 2024. It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2024 and now I bidding it adieu. It has truly been a year of New Beginning is many ways. While I could go through all of them, I think it would be more prudent to only touch on a few. Let's get started, in no particular order.
Up first is well, I changed jobs. Ok clarity might need be given I am still at the same employer, but I switch roles (technically twice). In April, I transferred departments from being a cashier at Lowe's to being part of the merchandising service team, initially in the garden center. I honestly loved working in the garden center. Most days it was just watering the plants. Surprisingly, I did have learn the technique for watering certain plants, such as the hanging baskets. I learned so much about plants or a least a little. While I did enjoy the garden center, my time was limited there for it was a part-time position, and so I had to change roles with in this department and become part of the team which works primarily on the inside of the building (or in the green house) maintaining the bays (where the products are placed). I also got the joy of helping set up the Christmas displays (three months early!!!). I did love seeing the variety of decorations beyond traditional Santa Claus or Rudolph. It wasn't until the first week of October that I was inside full-time (aside from those aisles in the back of the garden center or in the greenhouse). I'm still learning the balance between powering through and when to ask for help. This has tested my ability to go easy on myself, because I tend to put really high (at times unrealistic) expectations on myself-- that darn perfectionism. This perfectionism will be perhaps be helped by the next new beginning which I experienced in 2024.
Ok, so, for anyone who regularly reads this blog, the next new beginning was mentioned in my Thanksgiving post. This new beginning is group therapy. I began group therapy in August. Getting others' perspectives on my past and present struggles, whose only knowledge of me and my life is in this mediated, clinical setting, has been refreshing. It has shown me how I swing from being terribly afraid of vulnerability to bearing my soul as if these people have known me since birth. Of course, the context is different than a purely random group of strangers as it is targeted for personal growth and healing, facing issues head on. I have also been able, in a safe environment, to truly learn to change some enduing struggles with social settings, most importantly my tendency to dominate conversations. I am hopeful that in the coming year group therapy will provide with much more joy and challenge leading to becoming the best-version-of-myself, the woman God made me to be. The third new beginning also had its end in 2024 as well...so let's continue.
This year I tried my hand (and foot) at actually getting my license. Of course some of this process started in 2023, but it really came to fruition in 2024. I did lessons with a specialized driving instructor. However, overall, I only made it a few lessons. I, ultimately, was not making enough progress in these lesson. I was especially inconsistent with lane position. As disappointing as it was to be told lessons did not make sense beyond the ones I did have, I knew it was a real possibility a license would not be at the end of the proverbial road of lessons. Now, I must figure out how to live my life as one who though she may be old enough to drive, life circumstance have determined it is not the way my story is going. Now moving on to an another new beginning, which like driving lessons, ended this year, but unlike driving lessons may be resumed in the future.
My next new beginning was I put myself out there for the first time since 2023. I will admit I first saw this as a way to move beyond the fear of getting hurt, and yes in a way it was true, the past was keeping me from putting myself out there, so I had to push myself a little. Though with the hindsight of four months, I now see, as I knew from the beginning of 2024 that I was in a time of healing, it may not be time for dating to enter into that process. This hindsight gives me as well, a window into just how eager I was to put the past in the past, but that I didn't consider it a matter of prudence to ask God whether dating was what he had in mind for me at the moment. Perhaps because, I just wanted to stop feeling so trapped in the past I was concerned God would give me a no (my struggle with trust in God, which stems from a lack of trust in myself, is being dealt with in spiritual direction (the former is also being worked out in therapy) and then I would still be trapped in the past. Yet, if God had said no, it wouldn't be so that I'd stay trapped in the past, but that I could truly move forward and heal more deeply. However, God did not let my rashness go to waste. In trying to date, I have learned much about myself, beyond how far I have actually healed and that for the moment, at least, my healing process is not progressed enough I can let someone in romantically. One thing I know is if or when I do get to a place where I could, technically, allow someone into my heart in a way that is deeper than than mere friendship, God may not be calling me to marriage, and that will be a grief, in a way, that I will have to face when the time comes. For now, though, it seems God is asking me to stop pursuing vocation, period, to focus on my relationship with him, whether it be through spiritual direction, or from psychological healing and growth. From this perhaps, more down new beginning and quick ending, let's end on a high note (ooo an unintended pun) with a final new beginning.
My closing new beginning is that first time in ten (or more) years I am learning piano. In 8th Grade, I took a year of piano lesson. Life as it happens got in the way and with the start of high school, I could not do a second year. Throughout the years I've gone through phases where I tried to teach myself, but while learning an instrument using YouTube worked for my older brother (in his case it was guitar), it didn't work as well for me. It wasn't until college was winding down that I considered taking a piano class in school, more seriously, but at that point I had more motivation to finish my degree and pursue other hobbies than pick up piano once more. But in God's grace, a former co-worker of mine, whose own circumstances had her take a break from teaching for a time, started teaching instruments again this fall. Her generosity meant she worked with me to find a situation where I could learn, but where the cost was more negotiable. It's been enjoyable picking up the instrument agains, especially around the holidays as I now get to learn Christmas Carols. It's nice to bring a little music into my home each week and to feel true joy from music. Perhaps one day I'll "feel" good enough to help out with some musical element at Church or somewhere else, but for now my dyspraxia likes to play tricks on me and cause me to play the wrong-right note (lol). I guess this new beginning serves to remind me just how much music connects me to God, even if it's not a necessarily religious song.
Well, that is the end of the beginnings of 2024 (with some endings as well). I guess a bonus new beginning is that for Catholics, Christmas Eve 2024 marked the beginning of the Jubilee Year of Hope. What perfect timing to celebrate a beginning life that where Hope itself, Christ the Lord became incarnate. While I don't know what this year upcoming year of 2025 will bring, whether spiritually with the celebration of the Jubilee Year, or otherwise, I am grateful that those beginnings which occurred in 2024 have shaped me and formed me in ways I did not expect. So Happy New Year, and Happy Feast of Mary The Mother of God!!
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